I was reading one of my friend's blogs yesterday, Jackie Bolen. Man, I am so jealous! She has the ability to take ordinary life, and write it into something creative, and interesting to read. I admire her blog, really. I also read Julene's blog, and it was good to read about her life, and what she's been up to. She's experiencing the change of life right now, and I admire her as well. And then there's Cara. She just finished her 2 years of teaching ESL in Asia, and now she gets to spend a summer studying further her Korean. I am so jealous of her. It seems like my friends are leading intersting, extraordinary lives, and then there's me, and like, my life seems so boring compared to theirs!! Well, I shouldn't compare, but, really, I do, or I did!! So, I am inspired from my blogging friends to try to make my blog more interesting, even the mundane of life. Ha, we shall see.
My life is pretty boring right now. I am limited to how I get around, since I am without a car right now. Walking in the heat this afternoon was barely tolerable. I am saving up for a bed right now, and then maybe I'll think about getting a car. Part of me opts not to get a car, simply because I don't look forward to paying $4 or $5 dollars a gallon for gas!! Really, $50 a month for a bus pass is more palatable for my budget, but, I would LOVE the freedom that comes from having your own wheels.
I've been studying Spanish less often than before. I bought a workbook and began to go through it, but got busy or burned out, or just side-tracked from my studies. But, I have friends at work who are hungry to learn English better, so, I am working on figuring out a way to help them! I bought bilingual word cards a few months back, for me to study for learning Spanish, but they have proved to be an entertaining way for my co-workers to learn English in a non-threatening format. Who would have guessed?
And, on another note, more seriously, my mental health. I hate that I have issues in this department, but, I do. Since being back in the States last November, I got to see a doctor in December. But, that was in the emergency room. They referred me to a county clinic. But, guess what? After reviewing my case, they decided I wasn't SICK ENOUGH to warrant full services from them. So, I went to a low-cost clinic, but the doctor there thought I was bipolar, and couldn't afford the medicines he wanted to prescribe me. So, he sent me back to the county clinic, and now I'm trying to find a doctor to HELP ME. I don't like BOUNCING from one doctor to another clinic, and not getting ADEQUATE CARE for my mind and emotions. I've been in a down mode for the past couple of weeks, but not ROCK BOTTOM like I've experienced before. Today I feel FINE, but, every day I never know how I'm going to feel. I'm not sure this makes any sense, but, it's part of the EBB AND FLOW of someone who struggles with depression, even if only mildly. So, if I can get the proper help I need, I should be fine. But, if I fall between the cracks, or, don't get the right kind of help I need in time, then I'll suffer needlesslly. I never want to make my friends suffer in memory of me. That would suck. For them I mean. Anyways, this is me, putting myself out there one more time.
I like living on my own. Sort of. I like where I live, in Yorba Linda. Our home feels peaceful. Our neighborhood feels safe. I like that. And, it's only about a 10 or 15 minute walk from the bus stop. My room is small, but it's all I need. And, most of all, there are people around me. So, it is the best thing for me right now. But, as I think about my life, especially my future, what is it? What do I have to look forward to? Who and where will I live as I grow old? I mean really, am I going to be 40 and 50 something, living in a rented room for the rest of my life? Is THAT what I have to look forward to? The thing I noticed that seems to trigger my suicidal thinking is of being alone. At 40. How did I get to this age, and not become married? What is so wrong and terrible with me that no one would want to marry me? These are the thoughts that bring me down.
And, I'm glad I got to share in this post. Until next time...
PS...I've got off this week 2 days, and hope to go to the beach, the sauna, who knows?
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