Depression is a weird thing. As I was thinking about it yesterday, it crossed my mind: depression, for me, is like a light switch that turns off and on. When the switch is turned off, there is darkness, an overwhelming depression that varies in degrees from mild to alot. On other days, when the switch is turned on, there is nothing but light and lightness to my days. I feel "normal" at those times. I feel clear headed.
As I was pondering this analogy of the light switch for depression, I also thought about how I am unable to control the switch. That is what makes depression, for me, a challenging thing. But, on the up side, I am learning to become more self aware as well as I am learning of positive ways to deal with and attempt to overcome the condition.
At this point, I don't know if it will be a life long struggle, or a temporary seasonal one. Whatever the case may be, I prefer the light days much more than the dark ones, that is for sure!! =)
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A Day in the Life of a Person living with Depression
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
July~it's been a not so good month
1. I went off my meds b/c I had no DR to refill the Rx's.
2. Around the beginning of July I was sad~suicidal b/c alone, w/o family on the 4th, a major US holiday
3. I cried many times throughout the month for seemingly no reason, but there were usually "triggers", but they tended to be small things though not at the time...
Yesterday (Monday) my desire for sleep increased. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and sleep all day. I overslept and missed my bus. I had to call my boss to say that I'd be late. =(
At work, however, a strange thing happened. Although I didn't feel like being there, I acted like it was great to be there anyways! In fact, many guest noticed and commented on my pleasant work attitude!! They also admired my green sparkly fingernails. My manager let me stay 2 hours longer than my scheduled shift, which gave me an 8 hour work day rather than 6.
I called my friend from S. Korea, Eugene (she's in the States now) after work. I went grocery shopping. I cooked dinner. (I learned that I enjoy cooking and doing things I like to do.) I was up until 11 or 12 not even tired. I was energized. Somehow, a transaction occcurred during the day of my poor, negative mental attitude of the morning changing by the evening into a "normal" state. I wasn't depressed. I wan't suicidal. I was no longer craving lsleep like before.
Yes, it was also the day before my 2 days off from work. But, I was planning to sleep those 2 days. Not anymore.
So, something strange but good happened to me yesterday. I'm not sure what it was, nor why it happened. But, I'm glad it did, and I'll "flow" with it.
1. I think it may be the ebb-n-flow of depression, which doctors say symptoms come and go.
2. I seemingly woke up depressed, but later in the day it disappated all by itself.
3. I'll have to begin re-examening myself more in terms of moods. I haven't been keeping careful records in awhile. This info. is important and invalueable and helfpul to provide for my doctor!!
July~it's been a not so good month
1. I went off my meds b/c I had no DR to refill the Rx's.
2. Around the beginning of July I was sad~suicidal b/c alone, w/o family on the 4th, a major US holiday
3. I cried many times throughout the month for seemingly no reason, but there were usually "triggers", but they tended to be small things though not at the time...
Yesterday (Monday) my desire for sleep increased. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and sleep all day. I overslept and missed my bus. I had to call my boss to say that I'd be late. =(
At work, however, a strange thing happened. Although I didn't feel like being there, I acted like it was great to be there anyways! In fact, many guest noticed and commented on my pleasant work attitude!! They also admired my green sparkly fingernails. My manager let me stay 2 hours longer than my scheduled shift, which gave me an 8 hour work day rather than 6.
I called my friend from S. Korea, Eugene (she's in the States now) after work. I went grocery shopping. I cooked dinner. (I learned that I enjoy cooking and doing things I like to do.) I was up until 11 or 12 not even tired. I was energized. Somehow, a transaction occcurred during the day of my poor, negative mental attitude of the morning changing by the evening into a "normal" state. I wasn't depressed. I wan't suicidal. I was no longer craving lsleep like before.
Yes, it was also the day before my 2 days off from work. But, I was planning to sleep those 2 days. Not anymore.
So, something strange but good happened to me yesterday. I'm not sure what it was, nor why it happened. But, I'm glad it did, and I'll "flow" with it.
1. I think it may be the ebb-n-flow of depression, which doctors say symptoms come and go.
2. I seemingly woke up depressed, but later in the day it disappated all by itself.
3. I'll have to begin re-examening myself more in terms of moods. I haven't been keeping careful records in awhile. This info. is important and invalueable and helfpul to provide for my doctor!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thoughts on Life
My life won't always be this way. Hopefully, someday, it'll be better. In the meantime, I can hang out and relax, rather than stress out about my life or where I'm headed.
Yes, I'm 40 and single. I could dwell on self-pitiful thoughts such as what is wrong with me, why doesn't anybody love me? Or, I can embrace my singleness at 40 and know that I may be getting closer to meeting Mr. Right, and, in the meantime, enjoy the freedoms that come with singleness. I can make a choice to celebrate life; I don't have to despair in lonliness.
Also, I am 40 and not a homeowner yet. It is highly unlikely that I ever will be. I can despair, or choose to appreciate that I still have a roof over my head, and am not out on the streets. I have a job which I genuinely enjoy. It may not earn me googles and oogles of money, but, it's food on the table and a movie to enjoy once in awhile.
I feel like life is good. Society may look at me and say I'm a loser, barely surviving, or deserve better, which may be true. But, still, this is where I am at today, and I can embrace it. This is the experience life has to offer me today.
I feel this season of my life is a preparation time for whatever God has next for me. In the meantime, I choose to believe that life is good; "LG". Finally,this too shall pass (this season of hardship). My life is not always going to be this way. It'll change. Our trials in life either make us bitter, or they make us better. I hope and pray they make me better!
Yes, I'm 40 and single. I could dwell on self-pitiful thoughts such as what is wrong with me, why doesn't anybody love me? Or, I can embrace my singleness at 40 and know that I may be getting closer to meeting Mr. Right, and, in the meantime, enjoy the freedoms that come with singleness. I can make a choice to celebrate life; I don't have to despair in lonliness.
Also, I am 40 and not a homeowner yet. It is highly unlikely that I ever will be. I can despair, or choose to appreciate that I still have a roof over my head, and am not out on the streets. I have a job which I genuinely enjoy. It may not earn me googles and oogles of money, but, it's food on the table and a movie to enjoy once in awhile.
I feel like life is good. Society may look at me and say I'm a loser, barely surviving, or deserve better, which may be true. But, still, this is where I am at today, and I can embrace it. This is the experience life has to offer me today.
I feel this season of my life is a preparation time for whatever God has next for me. In the meantime, I choose to believe that life is good; "LG". Finally,this too shall pass (this season of hardship). My life is not always going to be this way. It'll change. Our trials in life either make us bitter, or they make us better. I hope and pray they make me better!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Teacher Reunion
Yesterday we met for a mini reunion with a group of four friends. We used to work together as teachers almost 10 years ago. It was sooo great to see them. Lots has happened in our lives since we met as teachers long time ago. Joanne has 2 boys. Jan lost almost 100 pounds. Suzy has retired, and leads a busy life in crafting. Me, I seem to them down and out, surviving, but deserving of better. Made them feel grateful for what they do have by seeing what I don't have. I went home more depressed after meeting them. Was not what I expected it to be. But, having down moods is my problem, no one elses.
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