A Day in the Life of a Person living with Depression

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

July~it's been a not so good month
1. I went off my meds b/c I had no DR to refill the Rx's.
2. Around the beginning of July I was sad~suicidal b/c alone, w/o family on the 4th, a major US holiday
3. I cried many times throughout the month for seemingly no reason, but there were usually "triggers", but they tended to be small things though not at the time...

Yesterday (Monday) my desire for sleep increased. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and sleep all day. I overslept and missed my bus. I had to call my boss to say that I'd be late. =(

At work, however, a strange thing happened. Although I didn't feel like being there, I acted like it was great to be there anyways! In fact, many guest noticed and commented on my pleasant work attitude!! They also admired my green sparkly fingernails. My manager let me stay 2 hours longer than my scheduled shift, which gave me an 8 hour work day rather than 6.

I called my friend from S. Korea, Eugene (she's in the States now) after work. I went grocery shopping. I cooked dinner. (I learned that I enjoy cooking and doing things I like to do.) I was up until 11 or 12 not even tired. I was energized. Somehow, a transaction occcurred during the day of my poor, negative mental attitude of the morning changing by the evening into a "normal" state. I wasn't depressed. I wan't suicidal. I was no longer craving lsleep like before.

Yes, it was also the day before my 2 days off from work. But, I was planning to sleep those 2 days. Not anymore.

So, something strange but good happened to me yesterday. I'm not sure what it was, nor why it happened. But, I'm glad it did, and I'll "flow" with it.

1. I think it may be the ebb-n-flow of depression, which doctors say symptoms come and go.
2. I seemingly woke up depressed, but later in the day it disappated all by itself.
3. I'll have to begin re-examening myself more in terms of moods. I haven't been keeping careful records in awhile. This info. is important and invalueable and helfpul to provide for my doctor!!

Thoughts on Life

My life won't always be this way. Hopefully, someday, it'll be better. In the meantime, I can hang out and relax, rather than stress out about my life or where I'm headed.

Yes, I'm 40 and single. I could dwell on self-pitiful thoughts such as what is wrong with me, why doesn't anybody love me? Or, I can embrace my singleness at 40 and know that I may be getting closer to meeting Mr. Right, and, in the meantime, enjoy the freedoms that come with singleness. I can make a choice to celebrate life; I don't have to despair in lonliness.

Also, I am 40 and not a homeowner yet. It is highly unlikely that I ever will be. I can despair, or choose to appreciate that I still have a roof over my head, and am not out on the streets. I have a job which I genuinely enjoy. It may not earn me googles and oogles of money, but, it's food on the table and a movie to enjoy once in awhile.

I feel like life is good. Society may look at me and say I'm a loser, barely surviving, or deserve better, which may be true. But, still, this is where I am at today, and I can embrace it. This is the experience life has to offer me today.

I feel this season of my life is a preparation time for whatever God has next for me. In the meantime, I choose to believe that life is good; "LG". Finally,this too shall pass (this season of hardship). My life is not always going to be this way. It'll change. Our trials in life either make us bitter, or they make us better. I hope and pray they make me better!

Amos Ending

So, after work today, I decided to visit the Starbucks next door. I was looking for a way to stay cool before walking home in this hot weather. I got a flavored refreshing ice tea drink, and began to read. Since my QT from Living Life devotionals is in the book of Amos, I decided to start there. I continued reading from like chapter 5 until the end. (Well, I had the time today to read that much.) I felt discouraged as I read it because God is like, not too happy with his people in that book. Then, I get to the ending, and God is like way cool. He PROMISES that He is going to root his people, and do new and great things for them. As I read the END of the book of Amos, I was filled with ENCOURAGEMENT once again. Woo-hoo.